How to build an autonomous character

You will never be a good leader if you are not able to lead yourself. Which means you need to become a mature character with an independent will who is clear about his private mission and acts based on strong principles while your keep sharpen your saw.

Reality is, Leadership means you must decide who you want to disappoint and to what degree.

This requires a very strong sense of autonomous behavior. Unfortunately, in most cases, the ability for self-directed, critical, and autonomous behavior is underdeveloped in many of us. However, to assert ourselves against potentially unjustified demands and to maintain our psychological stability and well-being, we need these skills.

We will focus on two aspects that we want to train:

• Strengthening the ability to handle criticism

• Defending against unwanted external control attempts

A tip: Always ask yourself what you consider as true, without having investigated the facts.

Defense Against Unwanted External Control

To become a mature, autonomous (i.e., adult) person, we must emancipate ourselves from the "unreal" feelings of inferiority imposed by our superego, which were shaped during our early childhood upbringing.

This means we need to recognize these emotions, reduce their intensity, and value our self-worth and self-confidence more than simply avoiding such emotions.

For this reason, we recognize the following rights for ourselves:

• You alone have the right to evaluate your thoughts, ideas, desires, interests, expectations, and needs—if you are willing to take responsibility for the resulting actions.

• You have the right not to justify or apologize if you do not want to.

• You have the right to consider your own matters more important than those of other people or institutions.

• You have the right to say NO.

• You have the right to perceive and take your own needs seriously.

• You have the right to change your opinion without providing any reasons.

• You have the right to make new decisions without justifying them.

• You have the right to make mistakes and not feel guilty for them—if you take responsibility for them.

• You have the right not to answer questions. Possible defensive responses:

  • I don’t want to answer that.

  • I don’t want to talk about that.

  • That’s none of your business. That is my private matter.

  • You’re not allowed to ask me that.

  • I can’t give you an answer to that.

  • Don’t be so nosy.

• You have the right to become independent of other people's goodwill before engaging further with them.

• You have the right to reject logical arguments if they concern your personal problems.

• You have the right not to respond to the demands or needs of others. No one has the right to burden you with their demands or needs.

• You have the right to accept your own character flaws and expect the same from others.

  
  

However, it is also important to understand that every person has the right to hold an opinion about you that differs from your own. If you do not grant others this right, you will suffer from the fact that people think differently about you. Only when you accept this right of others will you become a free and self-determined person.

To summarize: You will never be fully accepted if you are not willing to take the risk of being rejected.

If you are able to build such an autonomous character and combine it with the right private mission statement and internal principles you are ready for your career in leadership.

Please write me a short message or book your first contact call if you want to dive deep and build your private leadership coaching.

If you want to find out more about these internal compass of a private mission and principles see my blog about principles and effective leadership habits.

Sometimes in your career it will be important to defend yourself against external control. And although the keys for this are your character and principles in combination with the important skill of effective communication there might be some situation where you will need to defensive techniques which should be trained.

The goal in such conflict situations is to only release the information you have deliberately chosen to share. There are five techniques that should be practiced extensively:

1. The "Yes, but..." Method

   
   

   Caution! This method should never be used in dialectical discussions. It is intended only for defensive situations. It is assumed that this method can break the resistance of almost anyone who is not mentally resilient.
   

The key is to repeat a “yes, but” phrase frequently until you achieve your goal. Some common phrases include:

• I understand you, but...

• You may be right, but...

• I understand your perspective, but...

• I know this is difficult for you, but...

• I expected you to say that, but...

2. The Method of Excessive Self-Criticism

   
   

   You deliberately exercise self-criticism, but free yourself from the compulsive idea that making mistakes means being guilty. This allows you to:

   Maintain control of the situation

   Choose a favorable moment for discussion

   Appear open while only revealing what is already known
   

Important guidelines:

• State the situation as briefly and completely as possible—avoid sugarcoating.

• Do not ask for forgiveness.

• Develop a practical strategy to prevent similar mistakes in the future and share it.

• Only explain your behavior if asked and if you have prepared your explanation.

Example responses:

• Yes, I’ve learned a lot from this experience.

• Yes, you’re right, I made a mistake there.

3. Accepting Criticism Without Resistance

   Listen patiently to your critic. Do not interrupt them. Only respond after 5 seconds of silence. Try not to deny or defend yourself—even if the criticism is false, exaggerated, or malicious. Only explain yourself if specifically requested. Avoid any form of counter-criticism.

Be as cold as an iceberg!

4. The Method of Critical Questioning

   
   

   This method forces the critic to be precise and exhausts their critical reservoir.

   
   

Example responses:

• I don’t understand why you think that...

• Why exactly do you hold this opinion?

• What makes you say that?

• What exactly is wrong with my perspective that...?

• Have you considered why you’re saying this now?

Use this method only if you are confident, you can control the situation emotionally until the end.

5. The Method of Limited Self-Disclosure

   
   

   A limited self-disclosure means revealing something without saying anything truly significant.
   

Example responses:

• I have a slightly different opinion on that. (without further explanation)

• I just feel anxious.

• I have my doubts about that.

• I’m simply not interested.

These five defensive methods will help you control social anxiety and boost your self-confidence.

Let me share my final though on this topic with you:

Never let rewards or punishments deter you from pursuing what you truly want.